Where shall I start? The story of the last ten years? Or the story I live everyday now, the one I chose and makes me feel free. I am satisfied and I feel the completeness growing stronger each day.
Friendships that took time to develop and build up over time, are not easy to forget. Mistakes were made. Words were unspoken. Thoughts were kept secret. I was confused over the fact that there suddenly was another alternative in the friendship. I saw it as friendship with of course some extra benefits. Love yes, love as friends do, but not with that stable future ideal. Never dared dreaming of it. It was not advised, by the way. I was told many times that my future wasn’t up there. That point was made very clear, and it was noted by me. As always, I did not bring it up and even though it was hard to accept, I also didn’t have plans, so, I kept it in mind. Just a special friendship, that not everyone will experience in their lifetime. He understood me, and it felt like no one else ever would. I was lucky, very lucky to have met a friend like that. Almost to good to be true. Oh, believe me! Not everything was sugar and candy. Too many fights from my side and lectures from his side. Yes, of course it is a he that I am talking about. We fought, we laughed. I thought he was my soulmate, mostly because he said it. He was my best friend though. But I was too dependent on him, always needed his advise for every single little thing. To scared to make my own choices. Always in need of his approval. Even going to sleep, I just couldn’t without talking to him. I hated it when I didn’t know how to find him, because he was on his mysterious trips again. That part will always me unknown to me. I felt so deeply insecure and scared. I never want to experience that feeling ever. Not knowing what I am up against. Yes, I did know what I am up against, but still somethings weren’t right and I could not put a hand on it. And the creepy nightmares. I always knew something was wrong, luckily I will never have to find out what. I know it isn’t anything good. The guilt I always felt towards him. The obligations. And on the same hand the feeling of being caged and not able to express it. How many times did it not happen that I had to do something for myself and I kept stalling. That cage was much bigger. He told me I would never find someone like him. I guess that is a fact. He also told me I would somehow have to settle down for a guy who I would have to build to match him even slightly. As if no man was ready or mature enough, or intelligent enough to match my brains and intelligence and match my soul. Hypocrite thinking from his side. Besides that I have good memories. No turning back, because choices were made. Action taken. I will also see it as a life lesson. Strangely enough 2016 was a year of ups and downs. Ah, the crazy things I did. But then we come back to the fact that in my heart, and I always stated this, it was something that was in the back of my mind, something I dreamed of, something that was just as it says: “I will have to let you go, the moment I meet you”. He never understood me. I did when I was up there. And when I got back, I started to finally work on my own. I started to approve of myself. I started to become independent. Little by little I was letting go, while also trying to pull back harder. A little too hard in the end. I wanted the friendship still so bad. But that was not possible anymore. Life changed for me. The way we ended the friendship was ugly. He unfriended me (on social media), I followed his example childishly and blocked him. Did I feel better about it? Well, in the beginning not, but then I felt the burdens fall of my shoulders.
At almost the end of 2016 I met a guy HBN who makes me feel the butterflies every day. I did not think it was ever possible. And finally I could love someone openly who was not ashamed to let me meet his family even in this early stage. I was able to have a beautiful friendship and not have keep it a secret. Yes, his work is very confidential, but he is not weird about his job. Damn, I never intended to fall in love with HBN, but he did something from the first day we started talking. It just clicked at the first words. Such a beautiful end of 2016 it was. I spent New Years eve with him. I had so many firsts with him. I was able to love deeply. It set me free. He helped me to set myself free. And I love him for that. It’s a new friendship, but with active, thoughtful and daring choices. Everyday is another dare and I love it. I never thought I would be able to have a best friend again. I guess we people just have that opportunity. To make a switch from best friends. I also found out that more people understand me and honestly appreciate me for who I am and not how I look like etc. They were there all along. But my vision was a bit blurred. Yes, we go trough many stages in life. And a new stage appeared for me. I recognized it with my heart and my soul. Of course I was a bit scared. But he told me it was okay, he was scared himself too. And that made it perfect. He is perfect to me. He understood me since the very first moment. I told him some of my deepest darkest naked secrets in the first week I knew him. Oh yes, I was able to open up to him in the first few weeks. I trusted him, he let me trust him. I felt the burdens being lifted from my shoulders. He supported me with my sorrows. He still every time makes me talk when he feels it is time. I don’t know how he does it, but he has that talent. He reads me better everyday. I am still a bit of a puzzle to him, I know. But we are in it together and I feel equal to him. He doesn’t have to say it, I feel it and experience it. I love how he solves me. It is sexy to be honest. No wait, his brain and his mindset are just sexy. He digs me. I dig him. We dig deep. We love. We feel the connection and we feel the bond. I see it. It is not secret, it is our own intertwined souls. We were both formed and build for this life together. We experienced all things in the past to be ready on the moment we finally met. It is destiny. It is kismet. My current and future friendship. It is just. ❤